A ridiculously high number of my friends have been having babies recently, so I’ve been spending a lot of time browsing baby stores for the obligatory gender-neutral onesie. Some parents do find out their baby’s sex beforehand, but I still like to go with yellows and greens just in case. I have heard a number of horror stories where the couple was expecting a girl and then it’s like, “Whoops, looks like that thing in the ultrasound wasn’t a foot after all!” Plus, I don’t see why girls have to wear pink and boys have to wear blue. Let’s mix it up a little.

So in my baby shopping adventures, there’s been one thing I just cannot resist: baby shoes. Baby shoes are the cutest thing on the entire planet. I don’t really ever need to have babies – just give me a collection of baby shoes to coo over and my cuteness quota will be filled for an entire lifetime. So I inevitably buy a pair of matching baby shoes to go with these numerous onesie baby gifts. It’s my way of saying, “Sorry kid, your outfit is pretty much a giant body-blanket, but here’s some rad shoes to complete the ensemble!”

The parents inevitably oooh and aaah over the tiny baby shoes and send the standard angelic baby thank you card, but I can tell what they’re really thinking. “Baby shoes? And of all things, high-tops? Really? Only Chelsea would give us something like this. Does she think our infant is going to start spontaneously break-dancing?”

To which I telepathically reply: “No (insert any one of my plentiful pregnant friends’ names here), obviously I don’t think that. I have much higher hopes for your child. Like fencing, badminton or Taekwondo. Trust me, those baby shoes will come in handy any minute now. I’m expecting Olympic gold here, so don’t let me down. And PS – I know you still have that godmother spot open. Just sayin….”